A Chuck Rave:
Tis the season and the Christmas cards are a flowing. Zoiks! I should use the more innocuous term ‘Holiday’ so as not to offend any of you Pagans out there. Mmmmkay? Mmmmkay.
I love the whole ‘Holiday’ card exchange though. Creating our annual card is almost as fun as receiving them. Some are boring, others are downright hilarious. I categorize the cards we receive like this:
1) The Pagan card: You hate Christmas, so you bought a box of 500 random cards for $3.99 at the Wal-Mart Unbeatable Aisle.
Simple, impersonal. Look you tried, I understand. At least you signed it.
2) Your kids are so awesome card: You send a studio card (not of you and your family) just your dumb brats.
This type of card would be okay…if only I was friends with your kids! Dude, I don’t care about your kids. They’re ugly, odd-looking teenagers anyway. Trust me your kids don’t appreciate it either. This kind of card actually tells me you need to work on your marriage bro.
3) The short story card.
A 2 pager chronicling all of your blessed family’s blessings. Geez, you’re smart, your kids are smart, everything is so hunky dory. Congratulations on your MENSA membership.
4) Kicking it old school card: Season’s greeting from Aunt Marge and Uncle Jim Bob from Missouri.
This 2 pager is for the above folks who after a long blessed life figure out that life now sucks and they want to tell ya all about it. Literally. Thanks for the updates on the arthritis, kidney stones, and cataracts.
5) And my all-time favorite: the happy holiday card from (drum roll please), yes, the guys who worked on your clogged drain last month.
Is this not the cheesiest of all - cards from small businesses. Look save the paper and your time. Skeeter was a nice guy and all but, he’s really not thinking of me this time of year and I’m sure as hell not thinking of him.
So, think about what category card you would send. Or, just go with:
I like this post. And I hate Christmas cards.
My brother and his wife have evidently started a tradition in which each year’s photo is more sexually explicit than the one before it. Last year was a pose as Santa and a sexy elf. This year involved whipped cream and nudity.
Needless to say, that card will always have a front row seat on the card shelf, against a background of the “Your kids are so awesome” cards.
Hilarious! Your bro sounds like a kick-ass dude!